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President George W. Bush

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I kind of wish we'd thought about trying this sooner. [Feb. 18th, 2007|01:47 am]
President George W. Bush
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Hack the Vote. Hump the Children. [Oct. 30th, 2006|07:07 am]
President George W. Bush
As citizens all across America are preparing for the crucial mid-term elections, I want to urge all my loyal Republican cronies and evengelical Christian sheep not to worry.

Forty percent of the people voting this year will be using electronic voting machines. Three out of four of those are manufactured by pro-GOP corporations such as Diebold, whose leader vocally said he would guarantee the 2004 election would be delivered to me. By running stealthy programs once again this year to erase or even reverse Democratic votes in the 37 states that have no way to verify the accuracy of these machines, we will once again prevail, and show public opinion and exit polls both to be blaringly inaccurate within these regions, and Republicans who are down by as many as thirty points the very morning of election day will miraculously find themselves the victors once again.

When this very same situation arose in Australia, it was addressed in a number of weeks. We won't be able to investigate this until after mid mid-term elections, though. That's how it's done. Those pansies from down under don't know how to hold on to power the way we do.

There are some important facts you should emphasize to freedom-loving pro-democracy Democrats you may know. Tell them that the economy is strong, and our trade deficit is only at one third of a trillion dollars. If they mention the fact that when I came into office I inherited a 500 billion dollar surplus, just ignore that fact. The past is the past. Also, don't mention that I've already put in to borrow another 800 billion after elections this year. That will just give them something else to whine about.

Also do not mention the large number of Republican child sex offenders, not even including Mark Foley, as this may cast uncertainty on our phony moral values stance, which we maintain in order to manipulate the votes of countless respected rednecks and nutty evangelicals. God loves your votes. And we love your children. In fact, we love them so much that we pay tens of millions of dollars to our own agents to trade pornography of them with online enthusiasts. The Republic love for your children can be both educational and enriching. This past Friday, I personally declared two young girls' parents enemy combatants, and while they were enroute via Areo Contractors to one of our prisons in Egypt, I gave the young girls lessons in dance, including the Pelvic Thrust, the Unskinny Bop, and the Humpty Hump. That's my favorite.

Lastly, and possibly the most importantly, do not share this blog on the interwebs with any Democrats. This is only for us Republicans and our political bitches. If this information were to get into the hands of people that don't support our cause, we're just gonna have to kill 'em.

Remember, in order for democracy to thrive, we must clutch it firmly by the balls.

God bless you, and thank you for being one of us.
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Torture Bill FTW [Sep. 30th, 2006|05:24 pm]
President George W. Bush
I understand some of you are upset that my Torture Bill has been overwhelmingly approved. Now first off, you shouldn't call it the Torture Bill. While I do intend to use it to detain former president Clinton, it's not just to torture Bill. With the passage of the Military Commissions Act of 2006, we can hold anybody as an enemy combatant and rip their testicles off slowly, or lock them up for as long as we like. This is a great victory for freedom, as I am now more free to do whatever I want to you, and my Thuggee Guards are not obligated to even tell you why they are shoving a living salamander up your ass (I really love the looks you citizens get when they do that). Or the sewing under the eyelids of hungry Madagascar cockroaches.

I especially want to thank all the treasonous Democrats who voted for this measure to pass, such as Mike McIntyre from North Carolina, Sanford Bishop of Georgia, and the lovely Melissa Bean from Illinois, among others. Without your support, I might actually have had to justify this complete disregard of what used to be Americans' rights. Here's a list of who voted what way. You should memorize this list of politicians loyal to my regime, because if you don't know their names, how will I know you are loyal when we come to your house?

God bless them all.
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Pope your eyes out [Sep. 16th, 2006|04:22 pm]
President George W. Bush
I feel the need to clarificate on some points made by the Pope in some recent pointage. A lot of Muslims are angry at the Pope for saying that all Muslims are terrorists. And the Muslims will probably try to blow up the Pope in a terrorist attack in order to prove him wrong. In order to protect the American people, we have to remember that what the Pope says is right. Islamic religions propogatify themselves through violence and death. Everything the Pope says, you should listen to. Except that he is wrong about a couple things. Gays are evil, not just someone you have to keep an eye on. Also, the Catholic church is a church of well intentioned but misguided people. Once we have converted the Pope to a Southern Baptist, everything will be OK.
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Thank you, Red America [Sep. 12th, 2006|11:24 pm]
President George W. Bush
We've just concluded the fifth annual 9-11 Orgy For Freedom and disposed of the guests Flight 77 style, and I am in a great mood! I'm in such a good mood, that I want to thank each and every one of you, the American citizens. I would also like to thank the Iraqi parents who left their daughters and sons unattended.

Also, I would like to thank Disney for producing the propaganda film "The Path to 9-11", and Steve Jobs in particular. When a recent polling showed that only three out of ten people believe the World Trade Center was destroyed by airplanes, Mr. Jobs and his firm took this task of bending the facts that are on the record, as well as the daunting job of fabricating all the rest. I would also like to thank Mac users everywhere. Not only have you demonstrated that you are easily led by the media, and thus the ideal Americans, but you also have given your money to Mr. Jobs in order to further our campaign of disinformation. Wow, without you... people might think our lies ain't true!

While I was looking at our handiwork at the site of Ground Zero, I was glad to help lend an air of religion to the scene. Remember, do as God says. And I'll tell you what that is. You've got to obey me and God, or you're a terrorist wiccan commie towelhead whore, like the entire Democratic party, who would rather see humane treatment of people and higher rates of pay for working Americans than gratuitous (and often fun) torture and more estate tax breaks for the wealthy. God damn them! And god damn reporters for claiming we said there was a link between Iraq and 9-11, solely based on the fact that we did say that. Motherfuckers jumping to conclusions. Like I told Mr. Blair, they need to just stop that shit.

I just want to remind you that a police state is a safe state, and unless it's in the palm of your hand, you just can't trust freedom! You don't want a Democracy -- that would be a country controlled by Democrats! The only way to be safe from the terrorist threat is for this country to be run by Republicans. That would make it a Republic, like the wonderful and free country of China.

Also, we have to stop Iran with the nukeyaler weapons, and all Democrats are terrorists. And all members of the Green Party are Al Qaida operatives made out of plastic explosives.

So I'm gonna finish this very last beer, snuff this last girl, and jerk off to the film of those towers falling over and over and over again. This has really been a fabulous plan. God bless you.
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(no subject) [Sep. 12th, 2006|09:45 pm]
President George W. Bush
My pants still will not open. This is obviously the work of the terrible, terrifying terrorists. Also, my horse piss tastes like beer.
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My Pants. Are wholesome Christian pants. [Sep. 12th, 2006|07:22 pm]
President George W. Bush
Sorry for the delay. We're still hanging out here on the second day of the fifth anniversary celebration of 9-11, passing around the 40's. God damn, we're having a good time. We've had a bunch of little Iraqi girls kidnapped and Cheney's jumping in and out of the dungeon as I type this. Listen, your tax dollars are HARD at work, and there's still more beer. I think Gonzales just ran back in with the whip. Man, that's like the sixth time today! Anyway, I'm gonna go show 'em who's in charge. As soon as I can figure out how to undo my pants.
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Zark Owie and the Queers [Jun. 10th, 2006|04:25 am]
President George W. Bush
Abu Musab al-Zarqawi got killed again. First we blew up his house and a bunch of people he had over for tea or whatever those people drink. Then he was reportedly shot several times while making his exit. So we killed him twice. Some might call it overkill (I made a funny), but it's a turning point on the War on Terror™. Yes, another one. We have a lot of turning points, because God likes them. Since it had to hurt, I'm going to call him Zark Owie. I made another joke. I am so clever. It's not like Iranian names mean anything anyway. Anyway, Zark Owie has met his end and this violent man will never murder again. Almost definitely. Probably.

In more important news, Alabama has agreed to become an official theocracy and has now written a law against gay marriage. Because it's immoral and wrong. Not like killing three thousand people and blaming someone else -- that was for God. Those obnoxious nigger- and queer-loving liberals stopped my national ban from going through once more, so I've turned right back around and I'm putting it in again. While Americans are supposed to be able to pursue happiness, homosexuals are clearly un-American. Didn't you read your bible? It says "straight and narrow", and that clearly defines our ideals.
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A few thoughts on Martin Luther King Jr. Day. [Jan. 17th, 2006|10:56 pm]
President George W. Bush
These thoughts are accurate and correct, and they should be your thoughts too.

Martin Luther King Jr. Day was established by a bunch of darkies that thought to themselves "Man, the crackaz gots it too good yo. We gots to do wit'out like every dizzle n' shit, know what I'm sayin'?" So what they did was they pooled all their welfare checks and Planned Parenthood income and bought the administration for one day.

The idear is that since Whitey keeps the chocolate munchkins from getting ahead in life, they'd set aside a day to shut the whole system down and give them a taste of what it's like to do "wit'out". After all, you can't make it day to day on just your cushy-ass Affirmative Action corporate executive pay alone, with sixteen kids and two new Cadillacs (you need seventeen kids to pull that kind of income). So for one day, under the onus of Black Power, whitey can't, say, go to the grocery store to buy food, get electricity turned on, take their seriously ill pet to a veterinarian, or any of the other frivolous crap that whitey likes to do.

Since the black minority, which accounts for 60% of America's population, can't afford any of the above crap, they won't miss it for just one more day. And it's yet another inconvenience to the caucasian masses. After all, two hundred years ago they kept the black folk down, right? And there's nothing like making an entire race pay for mistakes that took place a hundred years before any of its members were even born. That's why we make those damn Irish farm potatoes and work on the railroad every day.

I fucking hate the Irish. Alberto says it's because they drink more than me, but I don't agree. There's no way the combined Irish populace can drink more than I do.

Anyway, I expect my speech writers to polish this before I deliver it publicly. Oh, and New Orleans got flooded because God is white.
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Really, it's just a goddamned piece of paper. [Dec. 16th, 2005|12:50 am]
President George W. Bush
[mood |pissed offpissed off]

I understand that a lot of weak-willed, unpatriotic freedom haters are whining about me referring to the Constitution as such just a few days ago. I would like to remind you that this is a country built on freedom. One of the basic human rights of freedom that has been established in this country is our responsibility... out duty... to change the government to more properly serve the people. As Supreme Ruler of Everything Commander-In-Chief, I feel that it is my duty as a proud American to lead by example. And so, I would like to remind you that the Constitution can be wadded up and chucked like any other government document, by the wording in it and the Declaration of Independence as well. I could ball it up and wipe my ass with it, and it wouldn't matter. Cheney, Gonzalez, and I could all rip it into strips and roll big joints and roll around on the Oval Office floor, laughing our asses off the way we did with the Downing Street Memo. Err... Anyway, that's the long and short of it. And under the First Amendment, I can say anything about the Constitution I damn well please. So stick it, and shut up already.
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