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President George W. Bush

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Culling the Herd [Sep. 6th, 2005|09:23 am]
President George W. Bush
[Tags|, , , ]
[mood |satisfiedsatisfied]

It's been a busy couple of weeks. Aside from the important issue of making sure gas prices get raised all over this fabulous nation, we've also been hit by a hurricane which has caused a region-wide ecological disaster that will take years to recover from. I was mad about that to begin with, since there were hundreds of thousands of homes without power. If they aren't using power, that looks bad on my credibility about an energy crisis. Dick Cheney recommended having everyone without electricity shot, and Gonzalez said it would be better to glue jars of starving rats to their faces and blowtorch the outside. They got in a big fight, then went off to be alone together. I suppose they didn't want to be seen fighting in public. What gentlemen!

Both libruls and conservatives have pointed out that Katrina was almost certainly brought on by global warming. Global warming is brought about by greenhouse gases, which the United States produces more of than any other nation. I argued that since global warming is American-made, it can't be all bad. In fact, I'm working on making it mandatory for every country in the world to pay the United States a fee for saving them energy during the winter. Ingrates. Naturally, I had them shot.

The city of New Orleans, as you have no doubt heard despite my best attempts to make it a black op, has been mostly destroyed. Lots of people are drowning and dying in the streets. The so-called survivors (which, I assure you, are temporary) are going on and on about not having food and water. Well, there's meat laying everywhere, and the bodies are seventy percent water. John Kerry and I learned this in Veitnam when we'd sneak out into the night and eat Veitnamese teenage girls. If these people don't care enough for their own survival to improvise, fine. I'm sending Halliburton in to clean up after our engineered floodgate collapse anyway. As everybody knows, New Orleans is full of blacks, which are all terrorists who steal color TVs, and not really people. They take welfare and don't pay taxes, so they are a burden on my wallet our great nation's economy. Once Cheney's men have slaughtered every man, woman, and child left there, maybe we can convert it from a mook breeding ground to something useful.

Do you think New Orleans would look better as a parking lot, a golf course, or a big stone face of me that could be seen from orbit?
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A stroke of fortune. [Aug. 21st, 2005|12:58 am]
President George W. Bush
[mood |amusedamused]

The silly broad that was camping out on my front lawn finally left when her mother had an ill-timed stroke. Isn't that a laugh riot? It was sort of tough slipping the old vulture enough toxins to put her in that state. We must have hit her with enough drugs to keep Ted Kennedy pickled for life, but the bitch just wouldn't go down. Didn't help in the end, because we are always coming up with creative new ways to hurt American citizens.

Now all Cindy's hangers-on should kindly get the hell away from my property as well. We've got their children wired up to spontaneously combust. You know... for their safety.
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Boom Today [Jul. 22nd, 2005|09:24 pm]
President George W. Bush
It's been a little while since I've offered my greetings. But you will understand that Prime Minister Tony Blair and myself have been very busy fighting terror. After the bombings of the public transportation system in London two weeks ago (which was Blair's idea, not mine), the British government has begun to consider many new regulations to combat the terrorist threat. By taking away civil liberties and compromising personal privacy regarding communication, they will help keep freedom safe.

Here in America, parts of the helpful Patriot Act are coming up for review. I urge members of Congress to again approve all aspects of the Patriot Act so that we can make sure people stay in line, and so that we can more ea ily find potential terrorists, sand monkey sympathizers, and people who don't agree with our moral values, and detain and torture them for indefinite periods of time.

Finally, there has been a lot of ruckus about my nominee for the Supreme Court. A lot of people saying that a Supreme Court judge should be moderate, not some kind of extremist who has practically no judicial experience, but a long track record of fighting against civil rights. Some asshole even had the gall to point out that I said I dislike "activist judges", yet I'm appointing one.

Fuck all of you. It's okay if it fits into my agenda.
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Assassassinashun [Jun. 14th, 2005|03:13 am]
President George W. Bush
[mood |grumpygrumpy]

Since it's now declassified, I suppose it's okay to let you in on the assassination attempt to assassinate me eight months ago in the past.

I was standing up at the podium to read one of those fabulous speeches we've got somebody that writes, when out of the blue somebody shot me in the head with a bullet from a gun.

I started leaning on the podium then and getting a bit impatient. After all, I did have a hole in my head. Imagine someone hating freedom so much that they shoot their own dictator! Fortunately, my brain is very very compact.

Remind me next time and I'll tell you about how, when I was in Russia, I defused a grenade with my mind.
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Stop cloning around! [May. 21st, 2005|01:25 pm]
President George W. Bush
[mood |grumpygrumpy]

I hear that Korea has discovered a way to cure certain diseases by growing stem cells and putting them in people. This upsets me for several reasons.

1) Science is an affrontery to God®. In a theocracy like the United States, keeping people as ignorant as possible is necessary to maintain a powerful power base.

2) I am greatly concerned about a world where cloning is acceptable. If we start cloning people, they'll be evil dopplegangbangers and kill innocent people. This is a bad thing because less people means less taxes, less taxes means less grog, and we're getting dangerously low on grog. It also means Jeb and me can't get as many underage prostitutes for our snuff orgies.

3) The ability to cure disease inspires hope, and hope is unhealthy.

4) As Emperor of Earth and Right Hand of the Almighty, I have dickread decreed that no country in the world should have cloning. Any country or individual found to be cloning anyone other than Jerry Falwell will be blowed up with nukeyaler weapons.
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Super Soldiers [Apr. 20th, 2005|03:55 pm]
President George W. Bush
[mood |bouncytriumphant]

All of you commie mutant traitors will pay for your insolence. Even though the genetic prototypes of my super soldiers made in my own likeness were shot to death, they did mutilate one of you evil tree hugging bastards in a most amusing manner. I will soon unleash an army of these super soldiers in the accursed blue states. Beware!
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I believe the term is w00t! [Apr. 16th, 2005|05:36 pm]
President George W. Bush
I got a slime-mold beetle named after me! How many of my opponents can make that claim, huh?
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Monkeys in office? Not on my watch! [Apr. 16th, 2005|06:46 am]
President George W. Bush
I was in the room when Dick Cheney's cherry-ass dyke daughter was watching an old film called "Bonzo Runs For President". I believe this movie is a slap in the face of all decent, hard-working Americans. To imagine that a monkey could run for president is completely ridiculous. And what would happen if he won? He would beat his chest and use the might of this nation to fulfill his primitive and barbaric primal instincts. At least as long as I'm here, America can rest easy knowing that a chimpanzee will never get into office!
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God's Justice [Apr. 4th, 2005|09:49 am]
President George W. Bush
[mood |satisfiedsatisfied]

Well, the pope is dead. He opposed the invasion of Iraq, so naturally God decided he was a heretic and killed him outright. I went in person to make sure it wasn't some kind of pagan satanist catholic trick (along with two thin Secret Service men packing Thompsons under their coats). Let me assure you, my good Christian readers, that he is as dead as a Jew on a communion wafer.
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God hates hangovers [Mar. 20th, 2005|08:48 am]
President George W. Bush
[mood |drunkdrunk]

Man, I am so hung over from last night's party. The last hooker just left in a bodybag a few minutes ago. It has been a wild time, and I wish more of you could have been there. Gonzalez crushed some jumping beans and snorted them off a mirror, then pissed in the punch. Laura beat him with a stick and then they went off somewhere -- I guess he was teaching her a lesson for hitting him, 'cause I think I heard her moaning. Dick Cheney does a swell Henry Kissinger impression. I have got a pile of beer cans half filling the oval office from Jeb and my drinking session last night (Coors, the beer that hates queers).

Well, I got to get up and go support the socialization of private security. Or something like that. The voices tell me it's important. I'll talk to y'all later.
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