|Hack the Vote. Hump the Children.
||[Oct. 30th, 2006|07:07 am]
President George W. Bush
As citizens all across America are preparing for the crucial mid-term elections, I want to urge all my loyal Republican cronies and evengelical Christian sheep not to worry.|
Forty percent of the people voting this year will be using electronic voting machines. Three out of four of those are manufactured by pro-GOP corporations such as Diebold, whose leader vocally said he would guarantee the 2004 election would be delivered to me. By running stealthy programs once again this year to erase or even reverse Democratic votes in the 37 states that have no way to verify the accuracy of these machines, we will once again prevail, and show public opinion and exit polls both to be blaringly inaccurate within these regions, and Republicans who are down by as many as thirty points the very morning of election day will miraculously find themselves the victors once again.
When this very same situation arose in Australia, it was addressed in a number of weeks. We won't be able to investigate this until after mid mid-term elections, though. That's how it's done. Those pansies from down under don't know how to hold on to power the way we do.
There are some important facts you should emphasize to freedom-loving pro-democracy Democrats you may know. Tell them that the economy is strong, and our trade deficit is only at one third of a trillion dollars. If they mention the fact that when I came into office I inherited a 500 billion dollar surplus, just ignore that fact. The past is the past. Also, don't mention that I've already put in to borrow another 800 billion after elections this year. That will just give them something else to whine about.
Also do not mention the large number of Republican child sex offenders, not even including Mark Foley, as this may cast uncertainty on our phony moral values stance, which we maintain in order to manipulate the votes of countless respected rednecks and nutty evangelicals. God loves your votes. And we love your children. In fact, we love them so much that we pay tens of millions of dollars to our own agents to trade pornography of them with online enthusiasts. The Republic love for your children can be both educational and enriching. This past Friday, I personally declared two young girls' parents enemy combatants, and while they were enroute via Areo Contractors to one of our prisons in Egypt, I gave the young girls lessons in dance, including the Pelvic Thrust, the Unskinny Bop, and the Humpty Hump. That's my favorite.
Lastly, and possibly the most importantly, do not share this blog on the interwebs with any Democrats. This is only for us Republicans and our political bitches. If this information were to get into the hands of people that don't support our cause, we're just gonna have to kill 'em.
Remember, in order for democracy to thrive, we must clutch it firmly by the balls.
God bless you, and thank you for being one of us.